Oh come on!

Consumption Consumerism much? You're aiming this game at kids - have some restraint. Even Pokemon stresses the importance of being a good trainer first and not needing to like, literally, catch them all.

The game isn't conspiring against you

Guys, let's talk about basic statistics. I've seen so much nonsense lately that I think this should be addressed.

A little bit of background. I've recently seen claims that Howrse utilizes a predictive algorithm for the purpose of screwing people over. The example given was that when you're trying to breed a male foal you're more likely to get a female one and vice versa.

Sorry. But no.

First of all, this is ridiculous. There is no secretive predictive algorithm that's silently waiting to screw with your breeding plans. Think logically about this for a moment. Thousands of foals are born on any given server on any given day. The game has zero way of knowing what gender of foal you're hoping for, nor does it actively track your breeding habits. And since different players adopt different breeding habits, any sort of predictive system would have to be functioning independently for each and every one... And again, that simply isn't logical. You're giving the game a lot of credit it doesn't deserve.

Each time you breed your horse, you have a 50/50 chance of getting a colt or a filly. That goes for each and every breeding. The statistical likelihood resets each time. It doesn't matter if your last four breedings resulted in fillies, the fifth breeding is still 50/50 as is each consecutive one. You can get a string of all colts and it isn't unusual. It doesn't disprove the statistical averages and it doesn't mean the game is trying to cheat you.

What does it mean? It means you're paranoid. And also bad at math.

Teams, Teammates and Stealing GP

So, a few days ago someone (who will remain nameless but they're trash anyway and honestly you wouldn't care even if I were to name them) messaged one of my breeding partners to ask if they'd like to work a certain breed with her. A breed my partner and I are actively working and have been doing together for quite some time.

I'll never understand why some players think this is a good idea.

Let's discuss this. Rationally.

For some reason, you think you should attempt to weasel your way into snatching someone else's hard work by encouraging them to backstab someone they, by all accounts, seem to be working successfully with?

And you expect to instill confidence in this person that you are somehow to be trusted? Because honey, coming in and saying "Hey, let's jack these horses and make our own team!" is not a terribly convincing argument.

Not to mention, cheaters beget cheaters. If you are fine with cheating and stealing, and look for others who are also fine with cheating and stealing, what do you think there is to stop someone from backstabbing you later? Nothing at all.

You earn your reputation in this game. Don't forget that.

Hope your parents aren't paying for that

Soooo... You want an expensive art tablet so you can trace your shitty 3D renders more efficiently?

Bitch please.

Critique Etiquette

Yup. It's another Black Pearl bitch fest. I can't help it, there's always so much bullshit to wade through in those threads.

We're going to talk about Critiques and etiquette. This has always been one of those tricky topics that can quickly turn ugly. Generally, people are pretty good about critiques. They'll ask for some opinions on their latest work and, generally, they do care about what others have to say. The same goes for those critiquing. Usually, everyone is helpful and fair.

Usually. Usually... 

But you've always got some complete morons who just like to hear themselves talk. 

If you're asking for critiques

Don't ask for critiques if you're just going to brush them all off.

Take into consideration what others have to say, especially if they've taken the time to provide references that may help you.

Answering every critique with "It's supposed to be like that" or "it's too late to fix that" is lazy, rude and inconsiderate.

If you're going to say that your work is correct when compared to your reference - then show it! So many artists (using that term reaaaal loosely, folks) have lately been referring to these mystery references that they're unwilling to show. What are you hiding, bro? It makes you look very untrustworthy.

On a related note, understand that even if you think something is correct and even if your reference is showing it to be more-or-less accurate, it may still be wrong. Or it may just be aesthetically displeasing. The best artists get this and work to overcome it.

If you ask for critiques and then choose to ignore them, don't be surprised when people stop answering. Don't play the victim. No one is ignoring you. We're all just tired of your bullshit.

If the same critiques keep coming up it probably means it's something you need to work extra hard at. A big part of improving in knowing your weaknesses and working to overcome them.

If you're critiquing

Be nice. Shouldn't even have to say this.

If you see a problem, especially with anatomy, try to find a reference that you think exemplifies what the artist should be aiming for. This is usually more helpful than saying something like "the hocks look weird."

If someone posts a work-in-progress, don't be stupid and tell them the horse's eyes aren't finished, or that it's hooves are missing. No shit, Sherlock.

Try to leave personal preferences out of it. We've all got things we like to see on coats. Maybe you like big manes. Or lots of accessories. These things aren't really critique worthy. It's one thing to suggest the artist add some embellishments, it's another to expect them to bedeck their horse out in gem-studded armor.

If an artist isn't receptive to your critique, don't press it. At the end of the day, they're responsible for the quality their own work. Your critique may be fair and accurate but it isn't worth turning it into a debate.

It's Your Problem Now

That moment when someone buys a horse you've had sitting in sales for weeks and attempts to sell it for a higher price.

Have at it, sweetheart!

After all this time, you still suck

So, if it isn't obvious by now, I'm pretty active in the art side of Howrse. I do a lot of art. I offer helpful critiques where I can. I redline. I try to be helpful and positive since I firmly believe that art should be inclusive and beginners should be encouraged and supported.

But I will make it very very clear - I hate cheaters. And even more than cheaters, I hate serial cheaters. People who continue to cheat and lie after being called out on it many times? They're scum.

Which is why I take serious pleasure in seeing just how much some players, who will remain nameless (I hope you're reading this) suck. Despite all your stolen art, your photo edits, your traced images, and your completely illegitimate use of the Horse Pose Tool app (you think we can't tell?), you still suck more than a high-end vacuum cleaner.

Your work is artless, as most traced images are. Your color palettes are absolutely terrible despite all the kind suggestions you're received on improving them. We all know you're trying to trace photos you're taken yourself - which is why you seemed to magically improve overnight but won't show references and claim you didn't use any (we're not stupid). And now you're using a pose tool for tracing. Again, we can tell. Many artists use the same app for inspiration and help with tricky poses. However, pose tool models are not meant to be traced. They're basic 3D models - they're not terribly correct in terms of anatomy, but I doubt you care. If possible, these look even worse than your previous attempts. They're bad. You're bad. 

I'd support you if you actually tried. If you put in the hours and effort it takes to become a better artist. But you cheat time and time again. You have no coats in the game. Your work sucks as much today as it did when you first started posting it. And you've been at it for a while now.

You're the worst. And I love seeing you fail time and time again.

Heathens

So, the rumor mill is churning and it seems Howrse is finally preparing a set of Zodiac divines. Twelve horses, one for each sign, with the now defunct sign Ophiuchus being granted to those who complete the set.

All in all, it's safe to say this divine set will be met with approval. It's been something the community has been asking for for quite some time now.

Except, there already seems to be a problem...

It hasn't been 24 hours since whisper of this got out, and there's already crotchety bigots complaining about the inappropriateness of teaching the Zodiac to children. Occult references and all that.

And I'm just sitting there thinking how much some players need to get laid. Maybe take a Xanax, have some wine. Move along into the 21st century. Something. Anything.

Or you know.. There's always this.

Maybe You're the Problem

If you need to end all your posts apologizing for your "bluntness" or "rudeness" and explaining that it wasn't intentional, maybe you should stop being such a tactless bitch.

Just a thought. Didn't mean to sound rude or anything.

The Battle Cry of the Computer Illiterate

I know you've heard it before.

You're experiencing site issues. Maybe Howrse is loading slowly but other websites are behaving normally. Maybe the Howrse team botched another promotion and it isn't working as it should. Maybe your competitions are full but will not run. Maybe an auction you won is taking a very long time to finalize. You're fairly certain it isn't a computer problem. So you venture to the message boards and ask what's going on. Within seconds, someone responds with "clear your cache and cookies".

This, my friends, is nearly always bad advice. Clearing your cache and cookies deletes your Temporary Internet files - things like multimedia content that allows your browser to load your favorite websites more quickly. Cookies, on the other hand, save information from your browser such as login information or browsing preferences.

So what does all this have to do with a legitimate site problem? Absolutely nothing.

Generally, I advise players not jump to clearing their cache and cookies at the first sign of a problem. "Clear your cache and cookies" is pretty much the battle cry of the computer illiterate. Unless you're having problems with something like your login, or loading page content, don't be so quick to clear your cache and cookies. It's almost always bad advice from stupid people looking to inflate their post counts.

Got Drama?

Ever notice how the people who talk the most about wanting to play a drama free game are usually the ones most prone to irrational behavior and childish outbursts?

When I see someone with a rant on their presentation about how they don't want to get involved in drama, I quickly make a mental note to have no future dealings with them if I can help it. Because those people are always the craziest, most egotistical hypocrites out there.

Sales Peeves

I have a lot of Howrse related pet peeves. Unsurprisingly, many are related to the sales. Let's talk about a few of them.

1. Overweight or underweight horses in sales

For real. This game is disgustingly easy. You are told exactly how much to feed your horse and you still cannot manage it? I shudder to think how incompetent you are.

2. Names suggesting the horse will be "abandoned", "killed", "slaughtered" or left to "rot" in the Safe Haven.

Safe Haven. Hm. Let's take a look at those words.

Safe
adjective
1. secure from liability to harm, injury, danger, or risk

Haven
noun
2. a harbor or port
1. any place of shelter and safety; refuge; asylum.

Yup. Sure sounds like a dismal place. Poor horses.

Not only are names like this against the rules, they're also stupid - which makes you stupid for using them.

3. Low level geldings.

Why are you even bothering? You've got nothing worth protecting and no one is going to bother to skill this crap.

4. Foals with no attempt made at their foal games.

There's a reason your horses all suck. It's because you're lazy.

5. Asking passes for foals with GP below what is available from public studs. Extra loser points if they also have an unblupped mother.

Cute, but no thanks.

6. Botched skillers whose owners are trying to recoup their investment.

It's not my fault you can't manage to properly skill a horse. Don't go asking standard market value for a horse you stupidly tried to skill on 42e lessons.

7. Exorbitant prices for crappy BMIs.

I don't care if you horse has a Poseidon Pack - it's still low skilled, unblupped and ultimately worthless.

Ugh, my eyes!

Every time you format your presentation like this

God kills a puppy.

PLEASE THINK OF THE PUPPIES

How Not to Name a Divine

The upcoming Rainbow Divines are pretty cool, aren't they?

But you know what isn't cool? The names some players are suggesting for them. Ugh. This perfectly illustrates the reason Howrse rarely accepts user submissions.

While we're on the topic of bad names, I want to offer my own.

Red: Lesion
Orange: Salmon
Yellow: Urine
Green: Phlegm
Blue: Asphyxia
Purple: Bruise

Like them? Got any others?

Isis ≠ ISIS

Howrse released a new Divine today. Isis was created by the players who attended the World Equestrian Games with the Howrse team in 2014.

She's the counterpart to Osiris, a Divine horse released in October of 2013. She's based on the Egyptian goddess of the same name. Isis was a powerful matron associated with fertility and magic.

And, according to some Howrse players, she's also an Islamic terrorist out to corrupt our youth.

Way to go Howrse community. Your bigotry and ignorance has yet again surprised me.

You're not fooling anyone, Isis. Terrorist scum!

STOP SIGNING YOUR POSTS

Why the hell do some people feel the need to sign their posts? Are they afraid we might not know who is posting? Like they haven't noticed their names are automatically displayed?

Furthermore, are they so proud of their post that they feel the need to sign it, as if they've just toiled over a literary masterpiece that is undoubtedly on track to become a classic?

For real though. WHY? POR QUÉ?!

I'M QUITTING

A major update! Queue the whining and threats of quitting.


I hate the Equestrian Center changes, I'm quitting!
Just like I threatened to quit after the last Equestrian Center changes!
And like I threatened to quit after the addition of the Great Challenge!
And when you added the VIP accounts!
And when you changed the way the horses looked!
And when you changed the site layout!
And when you added unicorns!



For real, though. Shut up. If you're going to bitch at least do it with some conviction.

Cha-Ching

These Titan's Challenge promotion periods are always fun. I get to creep on people's wins and stalk the mega high-rollers.

Yes, this is a game about pretend ponies and it's really none of my business.... but damn, some of you have got a gambling problem. And the funny thing is that it's rarely the top ranking players. I just don't get why some people feel the need to spend so much on a game they're not even good at.

It's Worthless Because You're Lazy

Alright, it's bad enough you're trying to sell the foal of a public stud for passes... But you could have at least bothered to BLUP the damn thing's mother.

Seriously. No one is going to pay for that.